The angry days of Alanis Morissette are so 90s. We need to update our anthem.
The other night, I was at a friend’s party, speaking to a lovely lady who had recently got unceremoniously dumped. After speaking with her, I realized that she was no different from me or anyone else after a breakup, disoriented and confused.
Below are 5 necessary steps to take if you are wanting to move forward from a breakup. Think of it this way: It is inevitable. YOU will move forward.
But how you choose to do so, is completely on your terms… even if the breakup wasn’t.
1. OBSERVE.
Is this the same break-up you have had before, just a different person?
Many times, we create similar scenarios just with a different cast of characters. Whatever we haven’t worked out within ourselves is often projected onto others. This causes fractures in our relationships.
Recently, as I was speaking with a client, she had mentioned how her last two relationships hadn’t panned out.
I asked her a simple question, “What was the same between both breakups?”
When she thought about it, she mentioned how they both had voices the same frustration of trying to make her happy, but couldn't..
2. OWN YOUR S#%T.
What was your part in all this?
Tough question coming off a break-up, but also a fair one. Many times after a breakup, we get much too comfortable playing the naïve, undeserving girlfriend…
However, there is ZERO advantage in playing dumb. Choosing to be aware of the behaviors and attitudes you exercised during the relationship, betters your chance in creating a successful relationship ahead of you.
I asked the same client, “While in this relationship, how responsible were you in managing your own happiness?”
That one took her a moment. She finally answered, “It depends.” You position yourself as a supporting role in your life when you rely on someone else to fill you up... NEVER a good role to be.
3. CHECK YO SELF.
Was it really as perfect as you remembering it?
Instead of mentally archiving all the great memories you shared…
Give yourself permission to find clarity on what is important to you! When we know ourselves better, we are much more capable in finding a person who can actually meet our needs.
Ask yourself: What are you no longer willing to compromise?
Chances are that if the relationship didn’t work, you were making compromises that weren’t true for you!
4. GIVE IT UP.
Is he or she still holding power over you?
Relinquish their power. Reinstate yourself as the executive of your happiness.
Ask Yourself: What do YOU want? Great! Go and get it.
Often times, we unknowingly create situations that render render us powerless. You are setting your relationship up for failure when you rely on your relationship to make you happy, give you confidence, or define your purpose.
When we look to others to give us what we need, we are telling ourselves we can’t meet our own needs. This type of thinking can lead to low self-esteem and anxiety. When you constantly are chasing your happiness, NO ONE WINS.
5. CREATE YOUR CLOSURE.
How will you create your closure?
The only closure that heals us, is the closure we create for ourselves. Forget the idea that a conversation with your ex will provide emotional clarity. It won’t. Don’t rely on someone else to give you the words that you want to hear.
Ask yourself with compassion, “What would make me feel better?”
When you validate your own feelings, you are holding a space of compassion for yourself. And that compassion is the catalyst to healing.
What’s the takeaway? Hindsight is always 20/20.
Don’t punish yourself. Don’t obsess. The energy you expend judging yourself, is energy lost. The only safe investment, is the time you spend on yourself. If you use this breakup as an opportunity to grow, you won’t have regrets and it’s likely you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Creating opportunities for ourselves during the hard times is the best way to heal.